An over-exaggerated tale of Pregnancy and the "Mom's Club"

Being pregnant has opened my eyes to a disturbing fact, women are cutthroat when it comes to reproduction. When I first announced that I was pregnant with my first child, my friends were elated to say the least.

My "Mom" friends near and far were squealing, dancing around and crying tears of joy. I was in sheer bliss! I felt like I was on top of the world, I was finally "in" their world, I was so happy ! Things were perfect until I started being asked the one question whos answer can make or break you in the world of moms..... "have you had any morning sickness?". Ok, before I go on I need to explain a few things about Moms and morning sickness.....

Women who have had children belong to the most elite club ever. More elite than the Masons and more ruthless than the Hells Angels. Unless you are a mom you really have no significance to these women. You will never truly know what stress, pain and being exhausted really is until you're a Mom.

It can be a hard club to get into, but just because you become pregnant, doesnt mean that you are "in". You aren't really in until you answer "yes" the question, "have you had morning sickness". Answering yes guarantees you a solid place in their elite circle, answering "no" puts you in a not so favorable position in the club......

You see most women experience morning sickness during pregnancy. Some experience it in the first trimester and others have it all the way through, the entire nine months. Its a test of endurance and the more you vomit the higher up in the ranks you are in the "Moms Club".

Answering "no" to the morning sickness question puts you through a sort of hazing period before you are able to be a member of the club. No matter what though, you will never really be one of the "elite" if you havent puked. You will always be a minion of sorts.

Back to my answer to this dreaded question.....it was "No". And thats where it all began. Everyday was met with, "have you gotten sick yet?" and "Are you sure you're pregnant?". It was constant and every time I said, "no I feel fine" and "yes, I am pregnant", I saw them grow more and more angry, jealous in a way. It was scary.

This kicked off the hazing period of my pregnancy. Old wives tails about pregnancy are abundant, and you will hear them all if its looking like you are having a "perfect" pregnancy. Its a scare tactic. Its a way for the women who were miserable while pregnant to get even with the few of us who feel great during pregnancy. Its their way of taking the place of emisis.

The only way to arm yourself against this form of reproductive terrorism is to keep yourself well informed. READ PEOPLE!!! And when I say read, I dont mean look stuff up on the Internet, I mean open up a book!

The more you educate yourself about pregnancy and your symptoms of pregnancy, the less of an effect these far fetched tales of terror will effect you. But if you find yourself actually believing that your baby is going to be hairy just because you had heartburn, then you are way too far gone. You have been defeated.

So here I am bopping through pregnancy without any vomiting.....and they all think that my pregnancy is "easy". Ok, so vomiting isnt the only thing that makes pregnancy miserable, however it seems to be the only thing that can trump any other miserable symptom of pregnancy.

Any complaint I have had has been met with "Oh you think thats bad, just wait until...". Yep, my personal favorite, no level of misery is never enough. Its a cut throat competition out there. Its ache vs. ach, hemorrhoid vs hemorrhoid, and kankle vs kankle.

Theres no sharing or discussing anything to do with pregnancy without most if, not all of the members you know throwing in some epic horror story to top your mention of a spider vein. I find this rude and irritating to say the least. Well let me tell ya, if you havent had morning sickness then you've already been beaten. You could have gained 50 pounds more than all of your friends and had hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits....you will always be beaten with the "well at least you didnt puke for 6 months" maneuver. ARRRG!

Now don't get me wrong. Not all "Mom's" you know will turn on you because you arent miserable and puking. But just beware....the jealouse ones are out there. They are in your family, your group of friends and maybe even standing next to you in the produce isle.

So here I am, almost 7 months pregnant and I have made it through the hazing process. I dont know why, but it seems as if they have finally let me in. I armed my self with knowlege and refused to allow them to bully me with their horror stories or competitive bantor.

Its funny how a majority of your adult life is spent trying to fit in with elite groups of adults. Its almost like we become kids again. When we are single we arent accepted socially by the "Married Club", and the "Married Club" isnt nearly as elite as the "Married with Children Club". Well now that I am a memeber of the "Mom's Club" I am realizing that theres just one more club left to get into....the "Mom to multiple children" club.

Oh lord help us all.

So the moral of this story is; not puking during pregnancy is EPIC, just dont tell anyone.