Raising a toddler is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Everyday is a challenge. This is my first time dealing with discipline, tantrums and teaching a child right from wrong. The whole process is trial by error. Lots and lots of error. There is rarely a night that I don't go to bed thinking, "why did I say this", or, "I should have done this better". Guilt, complete and utter guilt, every night. Building such a complex relationship with very little, if any, communication, is beyond difficult. Its maddening, saddening, and exhausting.
Tantrums that go virtually unprovoked that include.biting, kicking and throwing are unacceptable. Throwing a cup of milk on the floor because you wanted water, not ok. Kicking mom in the face, out of anger, when shes dressing you for bed, not ok.
Teaching a little human right from wrong is one of the most important things you do as a parent. Discipline is key. Patience is fleeting. I find myself creating battles with her that I cant win, but only she loses. I find myself getting sucked into these moments. Arguing with a 2 year old is one of the most ridiculous things that you find yourself doing. Seriously? What the hell. The days when I find myself getting to caught up in conflict with Audrey, are the worse days of all. You feel defeated...and if you won the battle, you feel like an ass, because shes just a baby. Of course shes gonna lose the battle. I'm an adult and she is just a kid.
On these days, after she goes to sleep, I find myself in tears. Shattered. That moment of, " thank you its her bedtime", quickly turn into, "I want to go into her room and curl up with her". The need to immediately wake her up and have at least 1 hour with her that's so magnificent that she forgets about how mommy put her on 2 time outs before she was done with dinner.
When I find myself alone with these thoughts of parental failure, I try to dig down deep into my heart and soul to find an answer to the days questions. The one thing that connects me to Audrey, is my childhood. I have to remember that I wasn't always a mom. I haven't always been an adult. I was once a little girl like her. One thing I realized, is that a lot of my insecurities as a grown woman stem from my fathers lack of parenting skills. His inability to be kind, understanding or forgiving.
I never want Audrey to make a mistake and start shaking because she is afraid that I will be mad at her. I don't want her to see me and feel fear. I never ever, ever want her to think that shes not good enough. So the other night, after everyone had gone to bed, I sat outside and wrote myself a little note.
A reminder, if you will, about what my job is. Who I am. Where I come from.
"
Heidi,
you were once a child like Audrey.
Audrey has been given an enormous amount of responsibility and expectations for being only 2 1/2 (more than you ever had put upon you).
she is 90% curiosity and 10% intention. don't treat her like she knows the impact of her actions 100% of the time.
be kind, be understanding...think of her as being innocent,because that's what she is. she has no concept of deceit or malice. correct her behavior within the margins of her intent.
remember that all of the insecurities you have now planted their roots in your childhood.
remember all of the times a situation grew out of your control and understand that the same happens with Audrey. she does not deserve to be reprimanded all of the time. she is not guilty...don't fill her with guilt. encourage her learn from the mistakes that she does not recognize as being anything more than "something she just did". she is smart. she is growing up fast. she is still just a child. be kind. be patient. be her inspiration, be her guide, be her mom.".
We haven't hiked in quite a while, however, we have gone on many adventures in nature. And I've managed to tear through more storage space on our back up drive than I care to mention.
I'm just now finding small fragments of scattered through out my day that I'm dedicating to going through these photos and editing them.
it's going to be a lengthy project, but it's going to be fun to share these photos with everyone.
