Looking at life, staring down the barrel of my "Canon".

I love photographing nature. My husband and I use to go on hikes all of the time. He would laugh at me because I would stop every two feet to take an ungodly amount of photos. I was always rushing to catch up to him while he stood and waited for me with a big grin on his face.

 Now that we have kids I'm constantly taking photos of their cute little mugs. For a while there so totally forgot about flowers all together. Before kids, photography was a form of escapism for me. I seemed to notice the tiniest details of the world around me when I have a camera in my hand.

 Now that I have kids I find myself using photography as a way to reconnect to, "Heidi before the kids". when I'm taking photos I find myself,  for a brief moment, forgetting about the baby food in my hair and the bleach stained yoga pants I'm wearing.

 We haven't hiked in quite a while, however, we have gone on many adventures in nature. And I've managed to tear through more storage space on our back up drive than I care to mention. I'm just now finding small fragments of scattered through out my day that I'm dedicating to going through these photos and editing them. it's going to be a lengthy project, but it's going to be fun to share these photos with everyone.

my digital art

So back in November I bought a digital tablet. I haven't had much time to use it. Juggling two small kids is kind of time consuming.

I really enjoy using it when I do have time. I have been drawing since I was two. I love art. Though I am still passionate about painting and fine line art, my creativity is just exploding in all directions with this tablet! 

Clean, smooth lines, bright colors and web friendly files. I am going crazy with it. I wanted to share what I have done so far.

                                                      Audrey is really into squid right now. I made this for her 

                                                                                       A lil note to my family

A character I have been working on for years, stay tuned.....

A note to myself, from my inner child....

Raising a toddler is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Everyday is a challenge. This is my first time dealing with discipline, tantrums and teaching a child right from wrong. The whole process is trial by error. Lots and lots of error. There is rarely a night that I don't go to bed thinking, "why did I say this", or, "I should have done this better". Guilt, complete and utter guilt, every night. Building such a complex relationship with very little, if any, communication, is beyond difficult. Its maddening, saddening, and exhausting.

Tantrums that go virtually unprovoked that include.biting, kicking and throwing are unacceptable. Throwing a cup of milk on the floor because you wanted water, not ok. Kicking mom in the face, out of anger, when shes dressing you for bed, not ok.

Teaching a little human right from wrong is one of the most important things you do as a parent. Discipline is key. Patience is fleeting. I find myself creating battles with her that I cant win, but only she loses. I find myself getting sucked into these moments. Arguing with a 2 year old is one of the most ridiculous things that you find yourself doing. Seriously? What the hell. The days when I find myself getting to caught up in conflict with Audrey, are the worse days of all. You feel defeated...and if you won the battle, you feel like an ass, because shes just a baby. Of course shes gonna lose the battle. I'm an adult and she is just a kid.

On these days, after she goes to sleep, I find myself in tears. Shattered. That moment of, " thank you its her bedtime", quickly turn into, "I want to go into her room and curl up with her". The need to immediately wake her up and have at least 1 hour with her that's so magnificent that she forgets about how mommy put her on 2 time outs before she was done with dinner.

When I find myself alone with these thoughts of parental failure, I try to dig down deep into my heart and soul to find an answer to the days questions. The one thing that connects me to Audrey, is my childhood. I have to remember that I wasn't always a mom. I haven't always been an adult. I was once a little girl like her. One thing I realized, is that a lot of my insecurities as a grown woman stem from my fathers lack of parenting skills. His inability to be kind, understanding or forgiving.

I never want Audrey to make a mistake and start shaking because she is afraid that I will be mad at her. I don't want her to see me and feel fear. I never ever, ever want her to think that shes not good enough. So the other night, after everyone had gone to bed, I sat outside and wrote myself a little note.
A reminder, if you will, about what my job is. Who I am. Where I come from.

"Heidi,
 you were once a child like Audrey.
Audrey has been given an enormous amount of responsibility and expectations for being only 2 1/2 (more than you ever had put upon you).
she is 90% curiosity and 10% intention.  don't treat her like she knows the impact of her actions 100% of the time.
be kind, be understanding...think of her as being innocent,because that's what she is. she has no concept of deceit or malice.  correct her behavior within the margins of her intent.
remember that all of the insecurities you have now planted their roots in your childhood.
remember all of the times a situation grew out of your control and understand that the same happens with Audrey. she does not deserve to be reprimanded all of the time. she is not guilty...don't fill her with guilt. encourage her learn from the mistakes that she does not recognize as being anything more than "something she just did".  she is smart. she is growing up fast. she is still just a child. be kind. be patient. be her inspiration, be her guide, be her mom.".

Getting old. The Circle of life.

My greatest fear is a new fear....growing old. By the time you start to fear it it seems to already be knocking at your door.

I remember being a little girl laying in bed in the morning, so excited for my mom to come into my room and get me ready for school. My mother was so beautiful. Her smile and eyes were so youthful. I remember seeing the grey in my grandparents hair. Then before I knew i,t moms smile had creases and my grandparents had passed.

Now I look in the mirror every morning before I wake my daughter, and I see grey in my hair. When I study the silver pattern in my once black curls I reminisce  about the time when my mom still walked this earth. i think about how she probably looked in the mirror the same way every morning before she came to get me ready for the day.

Life is a cycle, a circle. I find myself swirling around in this loop and it scares me. Not an "eek a spider" kinds of a scare, but a harsh reality that demands acceptance, kind of a scare. I now am where my mom was so many years ago, a  mom who's former youth lives on in her daughter and her son. A passing of the torch if you would....a ceremony that has taken place without even being given a notice to start preparing.

Motherhood stole my shoes!

Motherhood is a real mojo killer. Of coarse there are the obvious reasons, like, weight gain, stretch marks, and sleep deprivation. Then theres another less discussed change, shoes. Cute shoes at that. The next time you see a mom wrangling screaming kids at the grocery store, look at her feet. Bi pass the messy ponytail/bun and mom jeans and look straight at her feet. What will you most likely see? Keens, Tevas or some nameless payless brand flat slip ons that resemble nursing shoes.

I remember my kid free single days with great fondness and confusion. I remember being driven by what I can only imagine being some godless evil entity, to cram my feet into the most god awful uncomfortable shoes. Painful yet ADORABLE! I remember the awkward stiff legged stride (caused by super high heels). Ahhh, those fun nights on the dance floor jumping around, getting my groove on with my most prized accessories clutched in one hand with a drink in the other. Yes, cute shoes, along with my twenties seem to be a fleeting memory.

My hips hurt from the stretching and rearranging they went through during pregnancy. My feet are wider and longer. my back hurts, and quite frankly, I have no where fancy to be. I cant imagine wearing cute heels anymore. The thought of it makes me want to pop pain killers and cry. I guess this is where bedroom role playing comes into the mix.

 Men, when you see your wife standing in the doorway to the bedroom wearing a teddy and sexy pair of heels, you need to know one thing. She isn't wearing them for you. Shes wearing them, right there in the doorway because that's the only way she can probably wear them...standing still. Shes too tired to wobble in them except for the distance from the closet to the bed. Not to mention the fact she probably doesn't have anywhere to wear them to other than the park or grocery store. And we all know that stilettos look ridiculous with mom sweaters and yoga pants. HELL, they might not even fit!

I am a stay at home mom that started having kids in her mid thirties. I know for a fact that some moms out there that got an earlier start probably dont have these issues. Going through the transition of being a mom and aging isnt fun or easy...and it sure as hell didnt come with a pair of spiked heeled studded hooker shoes. Sad face.

My dream come true.....

Well, the majority of my blog entries were written before Audreys birth. I fell as if I need to catch up on my Audrey posts :) She is quite a special young lady and I dont even think that there is enough blogging time in this world to properly explain every last detail of her awesomeness! So I will do so with few words and lots of pictures.

sassy
beautiful
creative
kind
energetic
brilliant
perfect

....our story almost took a wrong turn....

I am sure you are more than familiar with the part of a movie when it all of a sudden it becomes clear to you, that there might not be a happy ending. Just one of those moments in life where you know that this is the starting point of a long up hill struggle.

Well Friday, our story started to take that turn. I found a lump on our daughters neck near her lymph nodes. I instantly grabbed her and hugged her as tight as I could. Now lets take a moment to pause here. There is a possibility that someone reading this is thinking, "oh man, shes one of those paranoid moms". Well I am not. Anyone with a child of their own can understand the fear I felt at that moment. Moving on....

Oh that moment was heartbreaking for me. I looked at her and knew, there is no way I could live on this planet without her. I cried and I cried. It is amazing how deeply I believe that losing her could change my metabolic structure.

The nightmares began that night. horrible scenarios of her health and safety being compromised at the hands of a stranger. I believe that the strangers in my dreams represented cancer. I even had a dream of losing my husband. I never have dreams like this. I would wake up crying so hard I could hardly breathe. My pillow and hair wet from tears.

The soonest appointment we could get was for Tuesday. As soon as my eyes opened Tuesday morning my heart started beating out of my chest. I didn't look at her in the same way as I normally do. It was as if she was already a ghost. I was so terrified. I didn't share any of this with my husband because I know he was suffering from his own anxieties. I didnt want to be responsible for adding any burden to his own "process".

It was definitely one of those moments in life where the absence of my mom was felt very deeply. Alone in a cold dark place...Which was my own mind..lol. after my mom passed I became more aware of mortality. Death is more real to me than each breath I take. Its more real than the days I am blessed to wake up for. Yes, I know, therapy. I should attend some sessions. LOL

Well, back to Tuesday. Her appointment started off with Audrey realizing where she actually was. Not a happy camper. She cried and screamed, "Bye Bye, I leave, I leave", over and over again. Then her doctor walked in and the volume increased. lol. The exam was quick and the news was super sweet!

Nothing to be worried about. Her lymph node was swollen due to teething, which is common. The only reason why we could see it, is because of her petite neck. OH THANK GOD!!! The doctor did applaud our quick action. Timing is of the essence with cancer. She completely understood our concern. Breathe deep! Wow, what a horrifying 4 days.

This experience left me feeling an overwhelming amount of respect and love for all of the parents around the world worrying for their sick children. The Parents whose stories have taken that wrong turn. Being a parent is more than just a responsibility, its a chemical and physical connection. You feel what your child feels. You know that you would give them any part of yourself, including your last breath, to insure their well being.

These deep and immense feelings of love and protection are a heavy weight to carry through life, but when you look into their precious eyes, the weight feels perfect upon your back. The weight of it all "completes" you. It strengthens you. You are your child's teacher, their voice, their protector and you are their warrior. In return, they are our purpose and our heart.